Internet Dating + Two 20Somethings = Disastrous

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I haven’t had a good message chain like this in ages. Thanks, guy who got overly mad about me not wanting to have random sex with you!
Kids today. Smh.

I meant to post this last night, but then I forgot.

Like I mentioned before, I work part time at a restaurant, and my biggest fear is running into someone that I’ve hung out with/made out with/boned/dated/all of the above.  Well it happened last night.  But in a sneaky way, in that I COMPLETELY forgot this guy existed until he walked in.  It was like a, “hmm he looks familiar….OH MY GOD him.” 

Basically what had happened was, last summer sometime, after meeting on POF, we texted a while (I avoided hanging out with him for a long time because he seemed annoying), I finally caved and he came over to my apartment and cuddled once maybe twice (it was NOT comfortable and his boner kept poking me), he spotted a condom wrapper on the floor that I must’ve forgotten about from another guy, and he said something to the effect of “you’re obviously dating a lot” (but I feel like meaner, but not as mean as it could’ve been), then he left.

I laughed later because I didn’t care what he thought because I had already determined that my suspicions about him were correct and I had no plans to see him again. 

So yeah, he came in with a ginger girl (I’m assuming they’re dating) and a ginger boy (who I assumed was her brother or some relative).  I avoided dude at ALL costs haha Busying myself in the back of the restaurant.  God, they stayed forever, but fortunately I never had to face him haha His butt was looking nice though.

holisticsexualhealth:

(10 Minute Read)

In 1967, John Lennon wrote a song called, “All You Need is Love.” He also beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day.

Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a song called “Love is Not Enough.” Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking stage performances and his grotesque and disturbing videos, abstained from all drugs and alcohol, married one woman, had two children with her, and then cancelled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father.

One of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of love. One of them did not. One of these men idealized love as the solution to all of his problems. One of them did not. One of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole. One of them was not.

In our culture, many of us idealize love. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life’s problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life’s ultimate goal, the final solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay a price.

When we believe that “all we need is love,” then like Lennon, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff — all of the hard stuff?

But if, like Reznor, we believe that “love is not enough,” then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.

THREE HARSH TRUTHS ABOUT LOVE

The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place. Allow me to illustrate:

1. Love does not equal compatibility. Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn’t hold the same respect for us as we do for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring us down with them.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philosophical beliefs or worldviews that clash with our own sense of reality.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who sucks for us and our happiness.

That may sound paradoxical, but it’s true.

When I think of all of the disastrous relationships I’ve seen or people have emailed me about, many (or most) of them were entered into on the basis of emotion — they felt that “spark” and so they just dove in head first. Forget that he was a born-again Christian alcoholic and she was an acid-dropping bisexual necrophiliac. It just felt right.

And then six months later, when she’s throwing his shit out onto the lawn and he’s praying to Jesus twelve times a day for her salvation, they look around and wonder, “Gee, where did it go wrong?”

The truth is, it went wrong before it even began.

When dating and looking for a partner, you must use not only your heart, but your mind. Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter and your farts smell like cherry popsicles. But you also need to evaluate a person’s values, how they treat themselves, how they treat those close to them, their ambitions and their worldviews in general. Because if you fall in love with someone who is incompatible with you…well, as the ski instructor from South Park once said, you’re going to have a bad time.

2. Love does not solve your relationship problems. My first girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other. We also lived in different cities, had no money to see each other, had families who hated each other, and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama and fighting.

And every time we fought, we’d come back to each other the next day and make up and remind each other how crazy we were about one another and that none of those little things matter because we’re omg sooooooo in love and we’ll find a way to work it out and everything will be great, just you wait and see. Our love made us feel like we were overcoming our issues, when on a practical level, absolutely nothing had changed.

As you can imagine, none of our problems got resolved. The fights repeated themselves. The arguments got worse. Our inability to ever see each other hung around our necks like an albatross. We were both self-absorbed to the point where we couldn’t even communicate that effectively. Hours and hours talking on the phone with nothing actually said. Looking back, there was no hope that it was going to last. Yet we kept it up for three fucking years!

After all, love conquers all, right?

Unsurprisingly, that relationship burst into flames and crashed like the Hindenburg being doused in jet fuel. The break up was ugly. And the big lesson I took away from it was this: while love may make you feel better about your relationship problems, it doesn’t actually solve any of your relationship problems.

The roller coaster of emotions can be intoxicating, each high feeling even more important and more valid than the one before, but unless there’s a stable and practical foundation beneath your feet, that rising tide of emotion will eventually come and wash it all away.

3. Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself. One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.

But the question that doesn’t get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?

In loving relationships, it’s normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for one another. I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship so great.

But when it comes to sacrificing one’s self-respect, one’s dignity, one’s physical body, one’s ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, then that same love becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it. If we find ourselves in situations where we’re tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, then that’s essentially what we’re doing: we’re allowing our love to consume us and negate us, and if we’re not careful, it will leave us as a shell of the person we once were.

THE FRIENDSHIP TEST

One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is, “You and your partner should be best friends.” Most people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I do my best friend; I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my best friend; I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend.

But people should also look at it in the negative: Would you tolerate your partner’s negative behaviors in your best friend?

Amazingly, when we ask ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy andcodependent relationships, the answer is “no.”

I know a young woman who just got married. She was madly in love with her husband. And despite the fact that he had been “between jobs” for more than a year, showed no interest in planning the wedding, often ditched her to take surfing trips with his friends, and her friends and family raised not-so-subtle concerns about him, she happily married him anyway.

But once the emotional high of the wedding wore off, reality set in. A year into their marriage, he’s still “between jobs,” he trashes the house while she’s at work, gets angry if she doesn’t cook dinner for him, and any time she complains he tells her that she’s “spoiled” and “arrogant.” Oh, and he still ditches her to take surfing trips with his friends.

And she got into this situation because she ignored all three of the harsh truths above. She idealized love. Despite being slapped in the face by all of the red flags he raised while dating him, she believed that their love signaled relationship compatibility. It didn’t. When her friends and family raised concerns leading up to the wedding, she believed that their love would solve their problems eventually. It didn’t. And now that everything had fallen into a steaming shit heap, she approached her friends for advice on how she could sacrifice herself even more to make it work.

And the truth is, it won’t.

Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?

Imagine if your best friend moved in with you, trashed your place, refused to get a job or pay rent, demanded you cook dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at you any time you complained. That friendship would be over faster than Paris Hilton’s acting career.

Or another situation: a man’s girlfriend who was so jealous that she demanded passwords to all of his accounts and insisted on accompanying him on his business trips to make sure he wasn’t tempted by other women. His life was practically under 24/7 surveillance and you could see it wearing on his self-esteem. His self-worth dropped to nothing. She didn’t trust him to do anything. So he quit trusting himself to do anything.

Yet he stays with her! Why? Because he’s in love!

Remember this: The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love.

You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.

But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.

Love is a wonderful experience. It’s one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy.

But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities or our life purpose. We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.

Because you need more in life than love. Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough.

x

Absolutely worth the time to read all the way through.

disastrousdatingdivas:

This guy had potential. In a round about way I found out he had a date tonight (the night he sent me this text).
Then i get this-written in a tone that, while i only knew him for a few days, seemed very different than usual.

I’m still too confused to be annoyed. R and agree that at least he gets a thumbs up for giving me a decent amount of notice so i wasnt hair/mid-makeup when he decided to have this “revelation”.

He also deleted his okc, so I dunno what kind of come to jesus shit happened to him, but it was big.

Turns out it was because he liked his Friday night date more than he thinks he would’ve liked me, had we met.

I’m starting to think this never ending list of men rejecting me is karma from that Adam fiasco.

This guy had potential. In a round about way I found out he had a date tonight (the night he sent me this text).
Then i get this-written in a tone that, while i only knew him for a few days, seemed very different than usual.

I’m still too confused to be annoyed. R and agree that at least he gets a thumbs up for giving me a decent amount of notice so i wasnt hair/mid-makeup when he decided to have this “revelation”.

He also deleted his okc, so I dunno what kind of come to jesus shit happened to him, but it was big.

An hour at the gym.

Probably undone by 2 beers and The Bachelorette.

FYI: Bradenton is on the Gulf Coast south of Tampa. 

Seriously though, TWENTY FIVE MINUTES?! in that kind of heat? 

I messaged a guy on okc a few days ago. We just today started texting and it got pretty feisty. 

his profile questions mentioned something about not finding overweight people attractive (of which I am one) so when he was propositioning me this morning I made sure to be perfectly clear what type of beautiful lady he was dealing with. 

He brings up this whole fantasy of a glory hole and how he’s always wanted to do that. I told him that I was certainly not doing that. 

Before my text re his “pushing rope” I showed him a picture of my underwear clad body taken in my work bathroom (hawt!) and he responded with a dick pic, saying “fair is fair.” 

and then the rest happened. 

too bad, he looked cute. 

All men are garbage people.

Liz.

And no, she doesn’t mean their occupation. 

This is slightly terrifying.

Ok dude, stay calm, but i think your dog is actually the monster from Cloverfield.

I was talking to a hairy, older(ish) looking 22 year old on OKC for maybe a week and we decided to have dinner last night. 

Yes, 22. Eye roll city. But he seemed smart enough and like I said, looked older than me. 

We met at a Chinese place. I was immediately bored. He was showing his age with the most boring, stupid topics I can’t even remember! But he did say that I looked either “really bored or really tired.” 

He told me “ok you talk now” and ” you say things” a few times because he said he felt an awkward silence. TBQH, I didn’t feel awkward at all. I just wanted to eat my damn Kung Pow Chicken. If I also had things to talk about, great! Also, he was eating off my dang plate, WITHOUT asking. 

When the TWENTY TWO dollar check came he had already pulled out his card and I asked if he wanted to split it and before the words were out of my mouth he shout-answered YES. I was like, Jeez man, treat a bitch once in your life. wow.

Previously in our little chats he had mentioned that he and his last girlfriend had broken up because her “feminist views clashed with his heavy sarcasm.” His profile is also littered with “I’m so sarcastic” comments that people love to throw around. So, imagine my surprise when at the end of the dinner he tells me that if was really difficult to “sift through my extreme sarcasm.”

I told him I had no reason to actually be rude to him, *yet*, and it was all just jokes, kid. 

And then essentially he ended with ” I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors.”

Big girls cry when their heart is breaking

http://38.media.tumblr.com/1151e34c3a0a9009864cc70b36731392/tumblr_n697iufhEs1ql5yr7o2_250.gif

Got on Plenty of Fish, was talking to this guy for a couple days and we went out on Saturday night.  I had a really great time.  He’s so sweet and a good kisser.  He’s going through a divorce so he’s not looking to get into anything serious and neither am I.  It’s just nice to have someone to enjoy being around and keep each other company.  I think we could be good for each other.  He’s going to help me get in shape.  I’ve also been talking with my girlfriend about getting me a really good job. 

I was all excited to wake up today with a positive and productive attitude but I just feel like shit.  My throat started hurting a little bit yesterday, and I hoped it would get better with some rest and vitamin c and zinc, but no luck.  I think all the anxiety, stress and lack of sleep/poor diet these past few weeks finally caught up with me.   My friend suggested I start smoking pot haha He said it helps him put things in perspective.

I’ve been talking to 007 pretty much every day since the incident, but I’m going to stop.  It’s too painful, and I don’t need him or his drama in my life.  I told him I had a date and he said, “that’s fine, I’m going to block your number.”  Then the next day he sent a text saying, “I’m guessing you spent the night with him.” Motherfucker, you realize you’re still living with the girl you cheated on me with right?! I can’t.  He owes me money, that’s the only reason I’m even still bothering to keep the lines of communication open.  I’m stupid, I know. 

same

The new me will have to begin next week (I like making life changes on Mondays.  I’m weird.  I might be persuaded to start tomorrow if I feel better).

I recently emptied my car and found this old journal. Attempting to update my “list of men.” There were names on here i had absolutely forgotten about